The feeling that cannot be named

There is a feeling that I cannot describe it is shock, terror, disappointment, anger, depression, guilt and so much more all rolled into one plus more.  Today was the second time I have had the displeasure of experiencing this feeling during this pregnancy.  Today I was told that my baby is not growing how he should be in fact his stomach has not grown in two weeks.  If he does not grow in the next two weeks he will be coming out asap which is a scary thought.

I don't know if I should feel guilty for not taking the medication or if this would have happened either way.  I have only felt this way when I found out that I might miscarry at 5 weeks and all I can seem to do is cry.  I am glad that I have an amazing OB and that I can know the team at the hospital he will be delivered at are some of the best available.  I am trying to take comfort in knowing that if he is not growing inside me then it is better he come out so he can be healthy.  This picture may not have been taken today but nothing seemed better today then the thing that is most on my mind.